🙂 That’s it! It makes sense now. His persistent nagging for me to move out is because he has ‘moved on’ so to speak. Last night he left the house at 11 pm, and returned at 7 am. There’s only one type of visit that falls into that category! Haha. So, to lighten the awkwardness this morning, as he walked naked from the shower to his room, I light heartedly suggested he should stop that practice after spending the night elsewhere as it sends mixed messages :-). I then had my own shower. After getting mostly ready I knocked on his bedroom door to chat about it – I was very straight about not wanting to know where he spent the night. I let him know it affected me – I didn’t cry or anything dramatic, just simply stated that of course it affected me. I then asked if this is why he’s been so persistent about me moving out – as in he doesn’t know how to date while living with the ex? He just said it’s an awkward situation. I agreed. It is. But then I pointed out it’s comfortable, and probably the least lonely break up ever – not that we spend a lot of time together these days, but it’s comforting not being completely alone all the time. He agreed that this is the least lonely break up so far. I also pointed out we still get along. We can chat – we can laugh – we can not talk at all – just like normal roommates. I then left the room to keep getting ready. A few minutes later, he offered to share his latest cheesy jokes, the first two were funny, the third I don’t remember because I started getting teary eyed and was remembering how I loved these cheesy jokes of his. I kept getting ready. He drove me to where I needed to go on his way to work. He asked me if I wanted to go shooting on Sunday (not to kill me – haha – though I suppose keeping loaded guns away for the moment is wise).
So. I think that was it. He’s moving on (so am I btw – but not worth mentioning yet) and he does not know how to date and live with me. I get it. I don’t know either. A man I plan on meeting this weekend keeps referring to picking me up – but I don’t think that’s right quite yet. I feel like I am the one in this break up that will handle these first firsts better. He’s now spent the night with someone else, so I feel a whole lot less awkward about when I do it. And I’m glad we were able to just talk about it this morning – that it’s ok – that yes its awkward – but it’s what is going happen. I want him to be the first to be picked up by another woman too. It just makes things easier, and I don’t have to worry about his spite and anger 😉
So, In my mind it is still lull time. And it’s been over a week? Nothing really dramatic or exciting going on. The ex is somewhat pestering me about moving out earlier than when I can get back into my own house. Though I am not sure where he expects me to go. We have been living together for 5 years, and unfortunately for me we started dating shortly after I moved to this city. So sadly, I do not have a wide range of friends. Not ones that I can impose on for 4 months anyways!
So, I say, why can’t we be grown up about this? We are supposed to be grown ups after all. I completely agree with him that living together for 4 months is not an ideal situation, but honestly for me, it’s better than what he proposing I should do – get the first dive I can move into asap and get out. Don’t you admire those couples who can remain friends after a break up and still treat each other with dignity and respect. I know I do. That’s the kind of person I want to be. I just wish the ex wanted to be like that too.
He has one friend who recently went through a break up and was living with his ex for a couple of months while the ex found a place. I remember when he told us this story, neither of us thought it was weird… We both thought it was mighty BIG of him. To be able to play nice. So, I reminded my ex of this tonight. Hopefully he thinks about it some more and becomes a big man himself.
And, I must say. It’s rather comforting still living here. For me, we have already fallen into roommate mode. It’s easy. It’s not lonely. It’s comfortable. We joke, share stories about our day that the other person has the background to understand without a lengthy explanation, watch tv together sometimes. Now by no means do I plan on extending my stay, but I am not feeling the desire to get out immediately either. I see no reason why we cannot live amicably for 4 more months – we managed for 5 years after all 🙂
So, I was searching on the internet for the typical amount of time ex’s cohabitate after a break up thinking maybe I am being unreasonable – and Nada! I seen one post with 5 people’s situations. Not something I can conclude is typical. But they did range from 6 weeks to a year and a half! So I’d say 4 months is not so bad. Of course we have ‘rules’. Don’t bring a date home, etc. That seems completely reasonable to me. What I am a little fuzzy on, is a date picking you up. It doesn’t seem so bad, but I suppose it may crush the other person if they themselves are not at that stage yet. I suppose to be safe and respectful, no dates picking us up is completely reasonable.
*fingers crossed* one of my tenants moves out sooner rather than later.
So back to the grind, and back to normality? The ex has finally calmed down and is once again treating me as a person instead of gum on his shoe he just can’t get rid of. I fear however, that this will not last and he is simply trying to hold on to some sort of hope for us. I cannot forget this weekend. I cannot forget his spite. This is why this relationship does not work. It’s the same pattern over and over.. he gets mad over something, overreacts, and does things out of spite for typically 1 day. His goal this weekend may have been to ‘show me how bad it could be’ and make me grateful for what was.. but all it did was reinforce the behaviour I need to get away from.
Lol. As I write this, I feel like a teenager in turmoil. I should mention he is nearly 50 years old – but is behaving as a child. I am not so old – mid 30’s. Trying for the first time to be grown-up about a break up and simply accept it sucks, and move on.
Living together should be interesting. I am stuck here until I can move back into my property that is currently a rental (which happens to also be next door). It’s definitely a roller coaster. He made sure to stretch out his legs on the couch and make contact with mine today – so strange for a man who had such hatred a couple of days ago. It’s less stressful however. I finally slept last night, and my appetite is slowly returning. I am not ready to move out – only because it is next door. I am not ready to face seeing him bring home another girl, hear them in the hot tub, notice that this strange car has been there for the whole weekend, the whole week, or without his vehicle! It’s too soon for that. I appreciate the fact that it’s the same for him, but I will have roommates next door, so he can only assume one way or another who this strange car is visiting – I on the other hand will know for sure that whoever’s car is there is visiting him.
So, that’s it. A calmness has settled in. Perhaps I shall begin to write about my hopes and dreams and plans for the future 🙂
Well, he’s been home for a total of 1 hour this entire weekend. Enough time to remind me we were broken up, have a shower, and leave again. That’s fine. I get it. No problem. Ha. Of course it hurts. Of course I am wondering what he is doing all night. I think that is natural. But I am doing my best to not let it consume me. I didn’t go out last night – and I am proud of myself for it. I’m glad I didn’t do something simply as a reaction to what he was doing. I feel more empowered because I stayed home 🙂 Wait.. I feel more empowered because I stayed home and DID NOT FRET about where he was. I watched a movie, went to bed super early and tried to take it easy. Now, of course I thought about it – but I didn’t let it prevent me from falling asleep. I did not pace the house, I did not check my phone and social media every 10 minutes, I did not stay up waiting for him to come home (and this is a major step forward for me). As I’m writing this, it’s fairly obvious I am thinking about it now. But you know what – I am embracing that. I am not going to pretend my feelings have just disappeared – I will embrace that I am hurt (and oh so confused). He has the power to hurt me. And that’s the problem – I was really hurt yesterday (and definitely shocked) that he stayed out all night. But now that it’s the second night in a row, I am much less hurt, and I care 1/4 of much as I did yesterday. This is a good thing. He is losing his power over me. I can learn to still care about him, but not let him control how I feel, how I react, and what I do.
Now, if there is anyone out there actually reading this. I am wondering why he is doing this? Is it strictly to make his pain less? Is it to increase my pain? Is it neither? What is his game? He has never stayed out all night in the 5 years we have been together, and that’s actually a ‘rule’ of his – that we always had to come home – no matter what. So his choice in doing this has me confounded.. Is it spite? Is it self healing? Both? He explicitly knows that it caused me pain the first night, and made sure to do it again. I will not ask him about it – But I can’t understand on my own. Maybe it’ll have to remain a mystery – and be left behind when it’s time to lose my baggage.
So… Here I am. Recently (5 days ago) broken up. Still living in same household as Ex. We obviously have unresolved ‘stuff’ to take care of. For instance an unclaimed 2 for 1 movie ticket that we made plans for using last night for an early show. He stood me up… No call, no text, no nothing.. just didn’t come home until 1 pm the following day. 1.5 hours after we were supposed to be at the movie started I needed to leave the house. I couldn’t be the girl sitting at home ‘waiting’. I couldn’t give him that satisfaction. And this is what I mean about the spite. He knew his actions were going to hurt me, and that is exactly what he wanted to do. And he succeeded and knows it. I just don’t get why he was so nice that morning, at one point even intentionally brushing up against me in passing, and suddenly is so cruel again.
All he had to say when he came home was ‘we broke up remember?’. Well yes I remember. But that does not mean that those words have made my feelings magically disappear. You do not need to treat me worse than you would your friend, or a stranger. I deserve more than that. If you had had plans with anyone else and something came up that caused you to not be able to fulfill those plans – you wouldn’t just leave your friend waiting for you. I am not dirt. And I refuse to let you treat me like I am anymore. You Win.
But why? Clearly it’s for the best. And I think I know the answer. It’s because people are spiteful and hurtful.. some intentionally so, some unintentionally – which can make it hurt all that much more. You have just spent a lot of time with a person and you know what makes them tick. You know what to do that is all in the name of fun, while still making sure that your brand new ex feels the sting of it. (E.g. Going to a house party and posting pics of what a wonderful time you are having with your new found friends that you may or may not be flirting with, or going for dinner with an ex and making sure you are spotted).
All the things you felt restricted about doing, for the betterment of the relationship, are no longer applicable; you are ‘free’ so to speak. But why must you flaunt it, and parade it around like your life has suddenly become the most wonderful life that ever existed? When all that has changed is my presence? Did my presence truly bring your life to a pile of rubble on the floor? I would hope not – otherwise you’ve got some issues to deal with that you should address before your next attempt at love.
Now I understand most of what I say about being ‘free’ and living your life to the fullest after a break up is meant to heal yourself. And it does. We all do it. But I think that is also why breaking up is so hard. It’s why people delete each other from their social media crowd and avoid each other in public. We hate to see how quickly the other person, the person that should be mourning losing you, becomes happy again (or at least presents externally their new found happiness). It crushes our souls to see how ‘meaningless’ we were.
So why? Why not just accept that it sucks. Eat a bowl of ice cream together and help each other reconnect with their inner being. Encourage the person you are breaking up with to find themselves again – before finding another’s bed. You can heal together. You know each other best at that moment, and really are the most qualified person to make the process easier.
Who knows, this approach may actually save some relationships, and leave more people friends in the end.
Note: I do not recommend this for any situations where abuse or cheating are involved. This is simply for break ups for incompatible people.