The Lull

So back to the grind, and back to normality?  The ex has finally calmed down and is once again treating me as a person instead of gum on his shoe he just can’t get rid of.  I fear however, that this will not last and he is simply trying to hold on to some sort of hope for us.  I cannot forget this weekend.  I cannot forget his spite.  This is why this relationship does not work.  It’s the same pattern over and over.. he gets mad over something, overreacts, and does things out of spite for typically 1 day.  His goal this weekend may have been to ‘show me how bad it could be’ and make me grateful for what was.. but all it did was reinforce the behaviour I need to get away from.

Lol.  As I write this, I feel like a teenager in turmoil.  I should mention he is nearly 50 years old – but is behaving as a child.  I am not so old – mid 30’s.  Trying for the first time to be grown-up about a break up and simply accept it sucks, and move on.

Living together should be interesting.  I am stuck here until I can move back into my property that is currently a rental (which happens to also be next door).  It’s definitely a roller coaster.  He made sure to stretch out his legs on the couch and make contact with mine today – so strange for a man who had such hatred a couple of days ago.  It’s less stressful however.  I finally slept last night, and my appetite is slowly returning.  I am not ready to move out – only because it is next door.  I am not ready to face seeing him bring home another girl, hear them in the hot tub, notice that this strange car has been there for the whole weekend, the whole week, or without his vehicle! It’s too soon for that.  I appreciate the fact that it’s the same for him, but I will have roommates next door, so he can only assume one way or another who this strange car is visiting – I on the other hand will know for sure that whoever’s car is there is visiting him.

So, that’s it.  A calmness has settled in.  Perhaps I shall begin to write about my hopes and dreams and plans for the future 🙂

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‘Games we play’

So… Here I am.  Recently (5 days ago) broken up.  Still living in same household as Ex.  We obviously have unresolved ‘stuff’ to take care of.  For instance an unclaimed 2 for 1 movie ticket that we made plans for using last night for an early show.  He stood me up…  No call, no text, no nothing.. just didn’t come home until 1 pm the following day.  1.5 hours after we were supposed to be at the movie started I needed to leave the house.  I couldn’t be the girl sitting at home ‘waiting’.  I couldn’t give him that satisfaction.  And this is what I mean about the spite.  He knew his actions were going to hurt me, and that is exactly what he wanted to do.  And he succeeded and knows it.  I just don’t get why he was so nice that morning, at one point even intentionally brushing up against me in passing, and suddenly is so cruel again.

All he had to say when he came home was ‘we broke up remember?’.  Well yes I remember.  But that does not mean that those words have made my feelings magically disappear.  You do not need to treat me worse than you would your friend, or a stranger.  I deserve more than that.  If you had had plans with anyone else and something came up that caused you to not be able to fulfill those plans – you wouldn’t just leave your friend waiting for you.  I am not dirt.  And I refuse to let you treat me like I am anymore.  You Win.