‘Games we play’ Part 2

Well, he’s been home for a total of 1 hour this entire weekend.  Enough time to remind me we were broken up, have a shower, and leave again.  That’s fine.  I get it.  No problem.  Ha.  Of course it hurts.  Of course I am wondering what he is doing all night.  I think that is natural.  But I am doing my best to not let it consume me.  I didn’t go out last night – and I am proud of myself for it.  I’m glad I didn’t do something simply as a reaction to what he was doing.  I feel more empowered because I stayed home 🙂  Wait.. I feel more empowered because I stayed home and DID NOT FRET about where he was.  I watched a movie, went to bed super early and tried to take it easy.  Now, of course I thought about it – but I didn’t let it prevent me from falling asleep.  I did not pace the house, I did not check my phone and social media every 10 minutes, I did not stay up waiting for him to come home (and this is a major step forward for me).  As I’m writing this, it’s fairly obvious I am thinking about it now.  But you know what – I am embracing that.  I am not going to pretend my feelings have just disappeared – I will embrace that I am hurt (and oh so confused).  He has the power to hurt me.  And that’s the problem – I was really hurt yesterday (and definitely shocked) that he stayed out all night.  But now that it’s the second night in a row, I am much less hurt, and I care 1/4 of much as I did yesterday.  This is a good thing.  He is losing his power over me.  I can learn to still care about him, but not let him control how I feel, how I react, and what I do.

Now, if there is anyone out there actually reading this.  I am wondering why he is doing this?  Is it strictly to make his pain less?  Is it to increase my pain?  Is it neither?  What is his game?  He has never stayed out all night in the 5 years we have been together, and that’s actually a ‘rule’ of his – that we always had to come home – no matter what.  So his choice in doing this has me confounded.. Is it spite?  Is it self healing?  Both?  He explicitly knows that it caused me pain the first night, and made sure to do it again.  I will not ask him about it – But I can’t understand on my own.  Maybe it’ll have to remain a mystery – and be left behind when it’s time to lose my baggage.

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I can’t make you unpack your suitcase.

Beautiful

hannah brencher.

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When I unzipped the belly of the little red suitcase the book was sitting there.

It was sitting right on top. It was waiting for me. Two years ago, I used to think that if ever I sat down and finally read that book, it would probably be my favorite book. Maybe one day. Instead, I grabbed a sweater and I closed the suitcase shut. I checked the bag. I would see it in New Orleans. There’s never enough room for your second carry-on bag when they lump you into Zone 3.

Half of my life plays out in airports. The people who spend too much time in airports know I’m not saying that to sound romantic. It can be a tad whimsical. On quiet mornings. And when you aren’t getting a connecting flight in Atlanta. And when you get to fly into cute, little airports with baggage claim…

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‘Games we play’

So… Here I am.  Recently (5 days ago) broken up.  Still living in same household as Ex.  We obviously have unresolved ‘stuff’ to take care of.  For instance an unclaimed 2 for 1 movie ticket that we made plans for using last night for an early show.  He stood me up…  No call, no text, no nothing.. just didn’t come home until 1 pm the following day.  1.5 hours after we were supposed to be at the movie started I needed to leave the house.  I couldn’t be the girl sitting at home ‘waiting’.  I couldn’t give him that satisfaction.  And this is what I mean about the spite.  He knew his actions were going to hurt me, and that is exactly what he wanted to do.  And he succeeded and knows it.  I just don’t get why he was so nice that morning, at one point even intentionally brushing up against me in passing, and suddenly is so cruel again.

All he had to say when he came home was ‘we broke up remember?’.  Well yes I remember.  But that does not mean that those words have made my feelings magically disappear.  You do not need to treat me worse than you would your friend, or a stranger.  I deserve more than that.  If you had had plans with anyone else and something came up that caused you to not be able to fulfill those plans – you wouldn’t just leave your friend waiting for you.  I am not dirt.  And I refuse to let you treat me like I am anymore.  You Win.