‘Games we play’ Part 2

Well, he’s been home for a total of 1 hour this entire weekend.  Enough time to remind me we were broken up, have a shower, and leave again.  That’s fine.  I get it.  No problem.  Ha.  Of course it hurts.  Of course I am wondering what he is doing all night.  I think that is natural.  But I am doing my best to not let it consume me.  I didn’t go out last night – and I am proud of myself for it.  I’m glad I didn’t do something simply as a reaction to what he was doing.  I feel more empowered because I stayed home 🙂  Wait.. I feel more empowered because I stayed home and DID NOT FRET about where he was.  I watched a movie, went to bed super early and tried to take it easy.  Now, of course I thought about it – but I didn’t let it prevent me from falling asleep.  I did not pace the house, I did not check my phone and social media every 10 minutes, I did not stay up waiting for him to come home (and this is a major step forward for me).  As I’m writing this, it’s fairly obvious I am thinking about it now.  But you know what – I am embracing that.  I am not going to pretend my feelings have just disappeared – I will embrace that I am hurt (and oh so confused).  He has the power to hurt me.  And that’s the problem – I was really hurt yesterday (and definitely shocked) that he stayed out all night.  But now that it’s the second night in a row, I am much less hurt, and I care 1/4 of much as I did yesterday.  This is a good thing.  He is losing his power over me.  I can learn to still care about him, but not let him control how I feel, how I react, and what I do.

Now, if there is anyone out there actually reading this.  I am wondering why he is doing this?  Is it strictly to make his pain less?  Is it to increase my pain?  Is it neither?  What is his game?  He has never stayed out all night in the 5 years we have been together, and that’s actually a ‘rule’ of his – that we always had to come home – no matter what.  So his choice in doing this has me confounded.. Is it spite?  Is it self healing?  Both?  He explicitly knows that it caused me pain the first night, and made sure to do it again.  I will not ask him about it – But I can’t understand on my own.  Maybe it’ll have to remain a mystery – and be left behind when it’s time to lose my baggage.